Hello World… my name is Ionut, many people call me John or Johnny, I’m Romanian, 33 years old (when I started this website) and I am kind of a “freak of nature”, from “normal” people point of view. My mind works in a different way, I might have bipolar disorder, I think I always had it.. but I realized my TRUTH on 30.03.2013 with around 2 weeks before my 33 years birthday.
My mind was powerful from very early age, 3 years or so, but living in a communist country after that in a post-communist country, my entire childhood and adolescence was kind of “Shut up Ionut, don’t speak about these things anymore”, “Wow Ionut, very nice drawings, poetry, but you can’t make a life from drawings and poetry, you will have to work in a factory”, “Ionut don’t do that, GOD will punish you”, not to say about numerous acts of violence, both verbal and physical, because this was the education of 80′ in Romania. I don’t have regrets I will never have, this was my faith, I accepted like it was, I love my family, I will always do, but I have to speak my mind freely from now on, as a modern way to treat my bipolar disorder and my EGO.
I sacrificed my personal life too much for the better good of others and I will never stop, but in 2013 is time to allocate some space also for myself. From my point of view virtual space, the Internet, is the perfect way to manifest my mind. In the real world I can’t fully unleash my mind because I will scare the shit out of normal people. I am not violent physically, I will never be, because my education is too strong to loose control, but I can became very violent verbally, 10 times more violent in comparison with hip-hoppers for example. I only lost control totally one time in my entire MATURE life (18+) and that was on 7 April 2013, when I started to act in real life more or less like a modern John the Baptist in front of my family and friends… I didn’t liked what it resulted because I made a lot of people feel bad, even crying.. this include my wife, my family, my friends, police men, jandarmery, doctors, assistants…
I still consider that I was 100% right in everything I said, I was pure heart, I transmitted the emotions exactly like I felt, but what it resulted was very “creepy” for regular people, a bad way of communication. I did apologized to all after my hyper-mania chilled down the next day. Also the 16 days spent in “lunatic people” hospital gave me plenty of time to think to what is better to do from now on.
I will try now to better explain how my mind works from a very early age, 3 years old or so.
For me everything that is complex in life, profound things, was kind of easy to understand, very fast… while simple things was much harder to comprehend. Because of this fact, in my heart I always felt that I am bit “retarded” and I didn’t wanted people to see me as retarded.. so I started to try to integrate myself into the so called normality and after years of hard work I succeed, I became the MAN I always wanted to be. Unfortunately in the same time, I had to shut up my heart, my mind, I had to built a cage for my feelings, for my way of thinking, with the wrong assumption that normal people are right, and me, the “freak of nature” is wrong. Well at 33 years old my heart and mind could not take it anymore, basically everything exploded, the cage that I built around me was destroyed by my spirit.
I basically realized that I am not retarded is just that I had to learn not to complicate things anymore when in fact things are really simple. The main reason it took me so much to understand the simple things was because my mind tried to split it in 100 pieces and put it back together in different way, only after all those 100 pieces of the puzzle where back together, I was able to understand it same like normal people does.
I did tried in my childhood to explain to my parents, to my friends etc.. but no one believed me, they even started to make bad jokes and so on, and because my mind amplify everything, I felt really bad.. so in a way I had to become like a clown for them to protect myself but also to protect them…
My entire childhood I was a clown, a bad clown, hurting people feelings, hurting myself also physically just to make other people laughing. I was experimenting all kind of different things, I was more or less like a magnet of life experience, human emotions, information… but the hard way… not optimal way… I had to do BAD in order to understand what is GOOD, I had to hurt people feelings, especially girls feelings, so I could apologize after… At 14 years old I kind of got tired to be a clown and I started my long road to clean my previous BAD behavior, because almost all girls also some boys of my age were starting to avoid me.
In high-school for me was 10 times more harder to get close to a girl in an intimate way, because I was like a combination of shy guy today, sexual maniac guy tomorrow, touching girls intimate parts today… apologizing tomorrow, so how the hell to trust such guy… I had to work very hard to auto control my impulses in order to not hurt people feelings anymore, but in the same time to not heart my feelings also.. because I am the type of guy with very deep regrets after every action that affects people emotions in a negative way.
Now, what all the girls and boys of my age didn’t knew, because I kept it secret being AFRAID, is that I had my first orgasm at 6 years old and from that age I continued to have orgasms periodically. Because in my child mind I was afraid that GOD will punish me, I had to keep this as SECRET from all the mature people around me. I also felt in LOVE with a girl from my class room at the same age, 6 years old, very very deep feelings like mature people have, crying all the time because I knew she is too young to understand my feelings… I continued to LOVE this girl and many others on the way for more than 10 years, but with no one to really explain me what the hell is going on.. I failed miserably, numerous times, to properly express my feelings till I managed to figure it out myself… the optimal way to threat girls.
At 18 years old almost all girls that were still in connection with me, were telling that they can’t believe my transformation from a BAD guy to a GOOD one, many of them even started to share their deep feelings with me, and I was like their consultant in LOVE affairs.
Because the post-communist system from Romania and because I was superficial with mathematics, I failed my final high-school exam 3 times in a raw and I didn’t wanted to give BRIBE to teachers because my parents were poor financially. After failing 3 times at MATH, I gave up, I decided that is time to start again the hard way, from the bottom… so I found several jobs and I ended up at 19 years old having many different activities, a day was very long for me.. 2 different jobs, plus tattooing people, plus body building, plus learning billiard etc.. I was more or less like a zombie from that age, it often happen to fall a sleep at my secondary job, and the owners were judging me, bashing me around to my parents and so on… they were right in a way, but that’s how the things were…
At 20 years old I had to go in the ARMY, was mandatory at that time, it was a very interesting period, I’ve learned a lot of new things, but I was also seeing the “bugs” in the system, but I was too afraid to fully share my mind, so I had to keep myself as humble as possible, execute everything like a robot even if I knew some of their requests were not optimal. There was too much post-communist mentality, too much hunger about possessions, money, modern slavery and so on.. After army I left with both “sweet” and “sour” feelings in my mind.
In the Army, thanks to a very good friend of mine, I put for the first time my hands on a computer, it was instant ATTRACTION, I was happy again like a small child.. from that moment on, everything changed in my life.. I found the perfect place to absorb proper information and from 2000 till today (2013) I was like a sponge of information also from internet, not only from real life, people, nature, plants, sky and so on.
For 13 years I spent an average of more than 12 hours per day in front of computer, working, learning, working, learning, working, learning.. the rest of time I dedicated to my family, friends and strangers as much as it was possible.
People around me say that I am an expert in computer technology, even if I still consider myself AMATEUR, I will always consider myself like that, because once you see yourself too SMART, your mind will stop to be open-minded, so from my point of view if someone really wants to achieve higher levels it must always consider himself only 90% SMART and maybe around 10% RETARDED. No matter how much you think you know.. there is always something new to learn about. With every new thing you learn, your perception of this world can be influenced, your mind will reanalyze and so on. Once you STOP learning, which is fine for many people, is very hard to make progress from my point of view. My decision was to try to always consider myself 10% STUPID, no matter what, to have EARS and EYES for everything and anyone no matter the social level or education level.
I also had optimal results as an ADULT WEBMASTER, due to my past experiences with girls, I was able to understand their feelings very well, as the video chat industry stuck in Romania very well, it was a good opportunity for me to use my talents in this industry and also to ensure some financial comfort.
No matter how much money I generated, I still wasn’t able to find my peace of mind. Because I was always kept my SOUL in a CAGE, I started to fell the repercussions of not living a balanced life.. chronic diseases like ASTHMA and PSORIASIS… I was very stubborn with me and I continued to smoke 2 packs per day, to work 12 to 20 hours per day, to sleep only 3-4 hours in a row and sometimes compensating with another 1-2-3 hours in the afternoon if there was time..
Instinctively and also based on my internet research I felt that putting corticosteroids into me to threat these disorders in my physical body, is not an optimal thing to do, so I tried as much as I could to fight with positivity, I gave positivity to everyone around me and I expected to receive just a bit of it in return.. but REAL world was not like that.. Virtual world is even worst.. almost everyone wants to satisfy their EGO without caring too much about other people feelings…so I said in my mind… I can do that as well…so I decided to start also this website.
For many years I was like a Vampire of Negativity, of Hate, and giving back only Love and Positivity, because this is how I felt GOOD with me, but all the HATE I sucked for more than 25 years, back fired into me, so I understood that the only possible way to be able to have a HAPPY life is to go international and try to find as many people as possible that are able to talk also more complex things, and not only… Money, Possessions, Sex etc.. Personally I understand perfectly the role of these things, but for me is not enough for an optimal life… me I am also interested in Advanced Science, Spirituality, Numerology, Psychology, Arts, Paranormal things, Human Emotions etc.. and in my circle of friends if I start to talk about these things they look funny at me most of the times.. so I decided to not stress my family and friends anymore.. I just give advices to their level of understanding and I let them to process alone the information that I provide.
What happened in 2013 at 33 years old is that I also found FAITH, true FAITH in Creation. The problem is that my Faith is so complex, that if I start to share, even Jesus, Buddha and probably Einstein if they could return from the grave in the present, they will probably look funny at me.
My Faith is a complex combination of all major Religions, Universe, Arts, Science. Instinctively I didn’t liked Math, I always considered as too strict Science, that can determine me to think too realistic, basically to restrict my imagination. However I perfectly understand the role of it, I do understand that Math and also Physics has pushed the Evolution to incredible levels… but are not for me. Me I feel good pushing my imagination to the limits, to be like an artist, a retarded artist maybe… but an Artist that is not afraid anymore to share his mind, his analogies, his understanding of GOOD and BAD.
The beautiful things when a Human find his True Faith is that you completely get rid of stupid Fears and you become so powerful mentally that you can basically achieve anything you want… some people wants more Money, some people wants more Freedom, some others more Sex, higher Goals etc.. me I really don’t need much to survive and the only thing I want is to find some people to share my mind with. I will probably fail to be a good friend to anyone as the day has only 24 hours, but what I can promise is that I will always say SORRY and I will always Understand your feelings, even if for others might be hard to understand my feelings.
The BAD part of my Bipolar Disorder is that after periods of hyper-mania (high positivity, enthusiasm, creativity), it comes periods of Depression, some times I even feel both in the same time.. While in depression in order to not explode again in the Real Life, I have to be the Evil John in the Virtual Life.. basically to criticize everyone and everything including me, in order to be able to discharge all the Negativity that I sucked from people around me. I do this because I’m 100% sure that if I don’t manage to find an optimal way to share my mind, I will probably die at an early age due to level of Depression. While I don’t give a shit about me, I do care about my wife, my family, my friends, so they shouldn’t suffer because I am stupid and not able to find proper solutions to deal with inner me.
You must understand also that pills alone can’t CURE me, from my point of view pills only improve a bit the situation, pills are good till some level, but with all the pills in the world, if a human don’t manage to find his inner peace in a way or another DEATH at early AGE will still occur.
This year in 2013 I had 2 choices in my “hand”, more or less like Neo from Matrix had, blue pill and red pill, blue pill meaning to put strong pills into me and to become a parasite for the society, a living human tomato, or the red pill to continue to fight my way, the way I trained myself like a Universal Soldier without even realizing what I am doing. I picked the “red pill”.
My way of fighting is not with VIOLENCE and I will always promote LOVE, PEACE, HAPPINESS, but, is a big “BUT” here.. in the periods of depression I get very very very sarcastic about everything and also I love to use SLANG, more or less like Hip-Hop Stars are doing it, I don’t like this side of me but the other solution to avoid explosions in Real Life is to take pills and I have no problem with that but my field of activity involve a lot of artistic creation and if I put pills into me my level of creativity is affected… if my work is affected also my family and all the people that still depends on me will be affected, they will start again to be Negative, charge me each day with Bad things and I will end up again in Lunatic Hospital. You can’t imagine my level of sensitivity when it comes to human emotions and communication. Everything that is normal for regular people, for me is 10 times more intensive especially when I am in hyper-mania, also I don’t want to isolate myself.. I am very sociable person and I want to keep things this way.
You should also understand that I am dependent on LOVE, if someone show me just a bit of Love I will probably attempt to give 10 times more LOVE in return, if someone show me HATE due to poor education, poor understanding of CREATION and FREEDOM, not enough life experience etc.. I amplify the HATE 10 times in my head, in 90% of the cases I will be able to take the hit with no problems, but in 10% of the cases I will become very violent verbally.
No matter how violent verbally I might get, you should always remember that this is VIRTUAL WORLD is not REAL LIFE, and if you feel BAD reading my Violent Texts, you always have the choice to not READ me anymore.
This website was not CREATED to be used like a “weapon”, this website is all about MODERN KNOWLEAGE SHARE and in the same time should became the place where “freaks of nature” like I am can manifest themselves without hurting anyone feelings in the REAL LIFE.
This website should be more about POSITIVITY, but generally speaking many people can’t understand properly what POSITIVITY really means if we don’t show also some part of NEGATIVITY. As Moderator of this website I promise to all my readers that I will try to keep the percent of Positivity as higher as possible.
Again, no matter how much slang I will use, no matter how violent I can get in my texts, I say SORRY upfront for my behavior, I can even let you slap my face if you want if we ever meet in the REAL LIFE.
For me was the right time to take action, to not let anymore the so called mature people to dictate me what real Freedom means. I love them, in fact I love everything, but I can’t be like them.. I feel ignorance and superficially in too many people. I already know that they were meant to be like this, I perfectly understand that this is their road in life, but why should I suffer? Why should I be a slave of old mentalities… I’m tired and I already feel like a very old man, I want to be like a child again, to let my imagination, my creativity, my love, my criticism, my FREEDOM to “fly” millions of years back into the past, and further in the future while to be able to keep my feet strongly in the PRESENT.
I don’t care anymore how people will judge me, as long as I found my FAITH as long as I believe in some sort of CREATION, no one can change anymore, who I am. In Real Life, you can spit me, you can beat me, you can shoot me, I will probably forgive you if I will live to tell the story… I forgive you not because I am a coward, but because I know that with a single PUNCH I can put you in hospital for many days, and why your family and your friends should suffer because you didn’t wanted to train your BRAIN more…
Don’t feel mercy or jealousy when you read my words, because you are wrong, is just that you don’t realize now that you are wrong. I’m not crazy, is just that my reality is different from your reality and as long as I don’t chase you on the streets, you should do the same in relation with me.
You see, many people are HEROES on the internet, especially HATERS, but just a few are capable to share their TRUTH, their real feelings and put a real FACE behind their name. Me I’m not afraid, but is better for the start to keep things only in Virtual World, I give you my face, but I won’t give for now my full name.. there will be time for that too.
For intellectuals, I already know that my English is poor, this is because I’ve learn it from movies and from internet and not from school, but I will try to improve slowly step by step. You should understand that I felt life on my own skin and I didn’t learn life from books… as I said earlier in this page.. I’ve learn a bit from books and a lot from people, nature, internet and my own life experiences plus thousands of other people life experiences.
Don’t get greedy if you see me generating Money with this website in the future, I donate anyway most of my incomes, but I donate to those that really needs, not to those that use the Money for stupid purposes. Don’t full yourself that you can trick me, I’m lunatic but not stupid. Also don’t try to alter my FAITH because you can’t, I am always willing to listen to your arguments as long as are solid and even if are not I will still listen, but as I said, don’t try to force into me your FREEDOM as I don’t try to force into you my FREEDOM.
The reason why I love to use SLANG and SIMPLE words is because it has a higher effect into many people mind and heart, is not because I am uneducated. I want to be able to share my mind in such way to be understood by both educated and not yet so educated people across this planet.
I could have paid an English Teacher to make my texts more fancy, but what’s the point in that? From my way of seeing things, that’s stupidity, trying to show to people more than you really are..
Let’s start playing, I will attempt to show you the world true my EYES, MY HEART, MY FEELINGS, you can decide for yourself after that whether my WORLD is BEAUTIFUL or not.
I love you all, I hope that I will also be able to stop smoking…
With deep respect, John